Life, Post Trauma

While the title may be similar to my last blog post, it's so fitting to what has gone on in the past month and a half.  First, I'd like to apologize for not updating during my trip to the US and then upon my arrival to Israel.  It's been a whirlwind!  As for a quick update, my dad had his open heart surgery, and thank goodness, everything went really well.  He's still recovering, but he's getting his strength back, and we are all relieved to have that behind us.  My mom is doing great - she's as spunky as ever!  I just love hearing how excited she is about all the fun things she is doing now.  And even though it was terrible to say goodbye to them, I had a great and fulfilling time, and our relationship always seems to get better and stronger (if that's possible) after every trip.  So, Mom and Dad, I love you both dearly and visiting two of my favorite people in the world is always amazing.

The boyfriend had an amazing time, as well.  We ate, we drank, we hiked, we toured...we did everything possible in our time there.  He's definitely been accepted as part of the family by parents and friends alike.  We were also terribly spoiled by many of my (and now our) dear friends, and it warmed my heart to be so close to my near and dear.

And now, we've returned to life in Israel, post-war (for now) and with lots and lots of changes.  It's safe to say that they are all changes for the better and that we are just trying to get settled before the academic year starts...and before any other hostilities take hold. 

Here's what's new for us: 

• We are moving to a new, smaller apartment VERY close to the university in the coming days.  It's beautiful and renovated and on the fourth floor, for better or worse, with no elevator.  We are very happy with it and with our new and convenient location.  Friends, the plastic wrap was still on a lot of the furniture - it's so luxurious compared to where we are now! 
• Yagel is starting his bachelor's degree, and I'm continuing on to my second year of my master's.  I'm lucky to have enrolled in all the classes I wanted, and I got accepted into the internship that I wanted for this next year.  I'll be working to help the families of those suffering with mental illness in many different and dynamic ways, and I'll be working with some of my favorite fellow students, so yay!
• I got a new job.  With a tear in my eye but a twinkle in my heart, I am saying goodbye to the retail world (my last shift is Saturday evening!!), and I have been welcomed with open arms into the academic world.  I am a research assistant for a professor of social work at my university.  It's a mentally challenging job, which I needed, and it's IN MY DEPARTMENT, meaning that I'm totally interested in the material and that I have crucial experience needed for the projects.  One specific project I'm working on is a project of building dialogue between Palestinians and Israelis, building peace from the ground up.  It's beautiful and wonderful, and I'll be happy to blog about it in future posts.

It's a long and exciting list.  By October 1st, we'll be moved in, signed up for classes, I'll have finished my last shift at the retail job, and I'll have turned in my last papers to officially finish the spring semester of 2014.  Odd, I know, but because of the war and it's staggering impact on daily functioning, university studies only resumed at the end of August, and we were mercifully given extra time to work on papers and assignments.  I'm very appreciative of this since there was NO WAY my papers would be finished in the midst of bombings and then with my trip to be with my family. 

So, slowly but surely, we're wrapping up the things that should have already been wrapped up, and we're trying to put this war behind us.  We are all having to calm each other down at the sound of a motorcycle revving up or at a distant ambulance, and every time a chopper flies overhead, it's hard not to be taken back to the war when these were the gut-wrenching norm.  Just for a giggle, you should check out this video that says, "Did you hear that?!" and illustrates how EVERYTHING starts sounding like a siren...

I think the most heartbreaking part of all of this is when I work with my English students.  They have all said, "You know, during Rosh Hashana, it's going to start again."  Let that sink in for a minute.  Adults aren't talking about it like that, the media and all its bullshit aren't talking like that, but the kids feel that when the Israelis go back to the negotiating table (well, they already have...talks started again Tuesday), it just means that bombs will start falling again.  And to be honest, I also don't feel that it is totally behind us.  There's something in my gut that tells me that sooner or later, I'll have to get used to running down four flights of stairs to the bomb shelter and that I'll again have to cope with my everyday being turned upside down.  Oh well.  At least from my end, I'll be working on these various peace projects and trying to do my part to make this world a better place.

And with that, I wish you all a Shana Tova u'Metuaka!  A sweet and good new year to us all.  With lots of love until next time (which will be much sooner than last!), Megan.

Day 25 - Living with Post Trauma

The war in my adopted home is waging on.  And while I'm in my first home, the war in my head continues to wage on, as well.  I'm finding it so difficult to watch the news (or any other TV show that might discuss current events), and I'm so frustrated and angry that this madness continues...and that the whole world is blind to what is going on.  I would really like for any head of any country or any foreign body (cough, cough Ban Ki Moon) to live in the situation me and my loved ones have for the past MONTH and tell me that we are in the wrong.  I've lost my drive to push forward with educating and correcting, and I'm so broken hearted about what is going on back home.  Since that phrase - home is where the heart is - means that my heart is split in two.

I thought that, just to give some more perspective, I would write about all the instances in my life that were stopped by sirens for 20+ days.  And yes, even here in the States, my life has been interrupted by those horrible sirens and rockets.

Eating dinner.
Making coffee.
Talking on the phone with my mom.
Taking a shower.
Walking the dog x7 (alone and together).
Driving (Yagel has gotten stuck 4 times).
Parking the car.
Opening the store.
Working in the store x10 (at least).
In the middle of checking someone out at the register.
Before clocking in at work.
On the toilet.
Sleeping.
Napping.
Sleeping.
Sleeping.
Sleeping.
ALMOST on the bicycle (I had just walked into the mall 30 seconds earlier).
Teaching English lessons x3.
Eating dinner with friends x2 (and having to run into a stranger's house to get to the bomb shelter).
Talking to Yagel on the phone while here in the States.
Cooking dinner.
Fixing breakfast.
Writing my grad school finals.
Reading the news.
Crying.
Semi-naked.
Sitting at a cafe, having coffee.
Showing pictures from a recent trip.
Looking for keys to unlock the door.

This list is rather endless.  It could be a list of just everyday activities, and that's what is so shocking.  These everyday activities were interrupted by rocket fire, by panicked running, throwing on clothes or towels, by constantly WAITING for the next one.  Why does my everyday have to be like this?  Why is it acceptable?  Why do my students have to run, wide-eyed, into the bomb shelter while I'm teaching them English?  Why did I have to see a picture of one of my best friends shielding her children with her body on a bus while trying to go to the zoo out of the city just to get some normalcy?  Why do I have to read the exhausted and pained messages and status updates from those I love?  Why do I have to worry constantly about dear ones fighting in Gaza? 

All of this over a terror organization that has taken the region hostage.  An organization who wants to kill ME.  An organization that wants to kill its own citizens.  An organization that calls for the annihilation of an entire country and people.  So, wake up, world.  This is happening. 

I'm just counting the days until my sweetheart will be in the States with me.  But, our friends and family will still be there weathering the storm.  And a piece of our hearts will be there with them.  I know mine is now.  My sleep-deprived, traumatized self.  Maybe I'll rest better when this nightmare is over, since, it seems, even being 6500 miles away from the front lines hasn't totally helped.  Wishing strength and quiet for all Am Yisrael.  Endurance and safety for our brave soldiers.  And freedom of Gaza from Hamas.  Amen.

Day 21 - Almost Home

Hello, dear readers. Your fearless blogger is coming to you from Atlanta, waiting on the last leg of her trip to Fort Smith, Arkansas.

Let me tell you - this has been The Trip from Hell.

How, you ask? Well, it all started with an 8 hour delay on my Tel Aviv to Philadelphia flight. The crew was delayed and then had a required rest period on the ground in Israel. No worries. I waited at home with Yagel, then I took the bus (wifi included!) to the airport, waited in a never-ending line to check in since everyone's connections were jacked. I got rescheduled quickly and was on my way. The flight itself was one of the nicest international flights I've been on. I got into Philly and tried to get on an earlier flight to Arkansas, but they wanted an arm and a leg to change, so I hunkered down for the wait.

And I waited. And waited. And waited. My flight was delayed due to weather, and they finally put us on the plane, but we sat on the runway for two hours. I was refused a blanket when I asked since they're "only for first class passengers" although I was freezing! We deplaned due to weather and regulations and then were very quickly pushed back on the plane. Only to wait another two hours. By this time, it's 1am, no flight to Arkansas exists at this hour, and I'm informed that since it is a weather delay, American Airlines wouldn't pay for a hotel or even food. Keep in mind that at this point, I've been traveling for almost 30 hours, I haven't eaten lunch or dinner, and nothing is open. I felt miserable and had to put up a fight to be reassigned to Delta so I wouldn't have to suffer anymore AA.

I felt relief as 430am rolled around, and I headed to my new Delta gate. Only to find out that I hadn't been fully booked on the flight and that there weren't any seats left. Only by the grace of God did one person not show up, and I squeaked on. Now, one more hour, and I will board my flight that goes directly to my hometown instead of flying into a bigger airport and driving. My bag won't make it to Fort Smith, but it'll be forwarded on to me. After this long nightmare, I could care less about the bag. I need a mommy and daddy hug, food, a shower, and sleep. Forty-one hours and counting. Fifty, if you count the initial delay. It's insane.

And with that said, my head and my heart are constantly back in Israel. I also constantly react as if I've heard a siren, still not used to being in a country not at war. Odd. So, here's counting to hours to being reunited with the parents, and counting down the days until Yagel will be with me. Lots more to write, just no energy for it now. We'll talk again in Arkansas!

Day 17 - Utter Confusion

The last two days have been a whirlwind.  So, let's catch up.

Tuesday, I used my morning, before work at 2:30pm, to run errands.  I've been scared to leave the house without a car, but I really needed to go get a replacement Israeli ID (no clue where mine is).  We live quite close to the Ministry of the Interior, so I just walked there.  That nice, yet strong, morning desert sun, that clean smell in the air, and that all too familiar fear of being stuck outside for rockets.  But I was determined to hold my head high and go about my day normally.  And I did...while constantly on the lookout for where to hide.

Friends, I am SO SICK of constantly having to think of where to run.  I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I'm stretched to my limit, and I'm not even in a community close to Gaza where I only have 15 seconds.  I have a minute, but that is only one minute to SAVE MY LIFE.  I just don't know if I have the energy for it anymore.

Anyway, I applied for my new ID, and then I pushed my bike to the repair shop because I had a major flat.  Then I rode my bike home.  Somehow, I guess I thought we would go the day without rocket attacks.  You get this false sense of security whenever things are quiet for a bit too long, and you forget what is going on, and then you snap back to reality.  That moment when you snap back is one of the most disconcerting feelings ever.  You suddenly remember, "Oh shit, I'm in a war zone, and I need to be on my toes.  How was I not paying attention this whole time?!"  And that's how it went, plus or minus, the whole day until I got to work.

I parked my bike, and I walked inside.  My friend walked in before me and told the security guard that he needed to check me extra good because, "You know what Americans usually carry..."  The guard laughed and told me, sarcastically, that I had a really good friend.  So, we continue on, laughing and me lightly punching her in the arm, and then, there's a siren.  My first thought was thank the sweet lord that I am not on that bicycle still.  Second thought, okay, it's started again.  And so the day progressed.  More sirens.  Dinner with three super lovely friends was interrupted twice by rockets.  They live in an upstairs apartment attached to a house, so they have access to the house's bomb shelter.  Down the outside steps we went, dog in the arms of my friend's husband, and into the house.  I had no idea where to go, and suddenly, we are inside the landlords' house, and the lady is super sweet, directing us to the bomb shelter.  We all squeeze in, five from upstairs, the dog, landlords and their adult son, sopping wet with just a towel between him and us.  Awkward, but such is life.

The night air was clear, and we could hear sirens from the next city.  We could hear the bombing and the fighting in Gaza.  And it was so surreal...and sad...and terrifying.  Which is how most days are now.

Yesterday, more sirens.  Yagel got stuck twice in the car with the dog trying to buy our sweet puppy food.  He had to park the car and bolt into a building with dog in tow (or was Yagel in tow?  I'm not sure).  His nerves were shot yesterday after that.  I was in English lessons with two brothers, and my heart just broke watching them run frantically to the shelter.  And we're both still exhausted from the late night bombings two nights ago.

On top of all of this, the FAA decided to ban all flights to and from Israel, and afterwards, many European carriers followed suit.  For now, the ban is lifted, so I should be able to fly Saturday, but who knows.  And now, my dad's surgery is postponed.  Why?  I'm not sure.  So, essentially, Yagel and I are flying separately for now reason.  If I fly.  Does anyone else want to throw anything else into the mix to make my head a little more muddled?

And all of this while reading some of the most biased, uninformed, incorrect news stories, posts, and thoughts from people so far removed from this situation.  It's not black and white.  It's not simple.  It's not Israel the aggressor and Gaza the pitiful.  It's a nasty mix of innocent civilians everywhere being targeted by a terror organization, and a small country doing its best to defend itself and its civilians.  There's an amazing blog here by Eitan Chitayat, an Israeli citizen, that I recommend all to read.  I want to take two passages from his blog and post them here, because they sum it up so well:

"...we’re mass murderers? My country accepts an Egyptian-proposed Gaza cease-fire twice and Hamas keeps firing away. They aim rockets at civilians while we go at great lengths to avoid civilians actually calling them in their areas and dropping warning charges, to give innocents a chance to escape. That’s unprecedented in warfare history. We leave Gaza for a chance at peace 9 years ago and for 9 years we got rockets, hate education, underground tunnels built with the purpose of entering Israeli territory so radicals can murder and kidnap Jews? This is what we get for leaving Gaza unilaterally 9 years ago. And we’re mass murderers?"

And...

"Let me be very clear. Hamas is trying to kill ME. My family. My baby son. All of us here. That is their purpose. Get it through your heads – that is what is happening. And it’s VERY personal. For all of us here."

 

This is from The Times of Israel Blog.  Again, if you want great, live coverage, they're your source.  If you don't know what you're talking about, can I respectfully request that you shut the fuck up?  That would help this situation a ton.  So many people, so many opinions, but not many with first-hand experience.  

And that's what I've got, friends.  I don't know what tomorrow will bring.  Hell, I don't know what will happen between now and my physical therapy appointment in two hours.  By the way, I was cleared by the ortho specialist to run in the event of a siren, hahaha.  We still don't know what's going on with my back, but there is no neurological damage, and the spinal cord seems fine.  So, back to exercising, back to moving more normally, back to running for my life.

If I do fly on Saturday, I may not have the time to post until I arrive to the States.  Lots of love to you all, Megan.

Day 14 - The Sounds of War

A lot has developed since I last wrote.  I'll be honest - with all the emotions, it has been very hard to sit down and write, and even now as I'm doing it, I'm having to force myself to keep writing.  Thursday evening, Israel invaded Gaza on the ground after, again, Hamas broke a *humanitarian* ceasefire.  The goal of this ground invasion is to uncover and neutralize the terror tunnels that wind their way into Israel from Gaza.  Since the beginning of this operation, we've seen random terrorists pop up in Israeli territory, guns waving, ready to ambush and kill.  We had no idea how intricate those tunnels were.  Israel has uncovered more than 34 intricate, concrete lined tunnels that connect an entire underground Gaza.  These tunnels are tall enough to walk through comfortably and are reinforced with concrete slabs.  The IDF has found weapons of all kinds, even drugs and handcuffs that would be used to kidnap Israeli soldiers or civilians as a bargaining chip.  These tunnels have gone so far into Israel that some even open up in kibbutzim, next to where people live.  Let all of that sink in for a moment.

Friends, that's 9 years of Hamas being in charge of Gaza.  Nine years of billions of dollars of aid, humanitarian aid (including concrete with which to build), and nine years to amass a stockpile of weapons and rockets from their dear friends in the Middle East.  We do not have a built and secure Gaza.  We have a rundown Gaza where rockets are hidden in schools, hospitals, mosques, and private homes.  I'm sure you're not reading about that in the news.  I'm sure no one is bringing up how absolutely insane and unheard of this terrain is.  No one has ever fought a war like this.  No country IN THE WORLD lives like Israel does, constantly scared of the next terrorist infiltrator who will try to blow up buses or murder anyone in their way, scared of the next round of rockets that will have us all scattering to bomb shelters, constantly bracing for the next wave of criticism from people who do not know what the hell they're talking about (the UN, the media, ignorant folk who hear an ounce of the story and think they know it all).

This is what has me so emotional.  No one understands what is happening.  I don't even understand what is happening.  It tears my heart apart that so many innocent people are dying, and now so many young soldiers, as well.  For what?  Because Hamas, the cowardly, evil beings that they are, has embattled and conquered a people, implanted their war amongst the innocents, and continues to operate for the sole purpose of removing Israel from the map.  How does anyone deal with that?

While I am critical of Israel, I stand behind her 100%.  This can't keep going on.  We can't keep living like this.  Anti-tank missiles being shot from a house window that killed 7 soldiers.  Houses booby trapped with explosives.  ROCKETS IN SCHOOLS AND PLAYGROUNDS.  And people who are too scared to leave, too tired to leave, too frustrated to leave, too numb to leave.  I'm so angry at this whole situation.  As I said on Facebook, fuck you, Hamas.  If anyone is looking to point fingers, all roads lead to those evil, cowardly bastards.

Sounds of war?  Rocket sirens that have caught my boyfriend in his car twice in less than 24 hours.  Loud booms that interrupt my English lessons.  Helicopters flying over head, surely with the wounded and dead soldiers pouring out of Gaza.  What is Hamas doing for its wounded and dead?  They asked for another humanitarian ceasefire yesterday, and again, they broke it.  It was just for two fucking hours!  What has Israel done?  In the midst of all this, Israel has built a field hospital next to the heaviest fighting to CARE FOR THE PALESTINIANS.  On top of all that Israel does to care for its citizens.

The country is united in mourning, holding its breath to see what will happen next.  So many of my friends have had their boyfriends called to reserve duty.  They're sitting on the Gaza border, waiting for orders.  Other friends have been recruited to take over jobs to free up more soldiers.  At least four people from work are in miluim (Israeli reserves), with many more to be called, we're sure.  My boyfriend's brother is an officer, and we're just praying that he doesn't get reassigned from his current position.

School is on hold.  We haven't even finished our finals, and it doesn't seem as if we will anytime soon.  Work is empty and hours are limited.  People's kids are cooped up inside all day, when they should be enjoying their summer vacation.  We're constantly on the lookout of where to run if there is a rocket attack.  Every second.  How weird is it to constantly ask your boyfriend, "Hey, where do we run?"  But that's what's happening.  On edge.  Angry.  Confused.  Stretched to the limit.  All of that, and I'm trying to finish things up and leave the country for my father's surgery.  I'm a zombie-like mess.  Scared to leave my boyfriend and friends in this situation.  Scared for my father's health.  Scared to fly by myself.  Scared of what will be when I return.

That's what is going on in my head.  Sorry if it's all over the place.

Am Yisrael Chai.

Pictures of Rocket Fire from Gaza

In case you were questioning whether rocket fire really does come from civilian areas in Gaza, here's some photographic evidence.  The beginning points of these rockets look to be smack in the middle of a city.  The majority of these are from Gaza City and can be found on the Times of Israel website.

Day 9 - Back to the "Norm"

Well, we are still at war.  What happened with that ceasefire yesterday?  It was brokered by Egypt, and while Israel honored the ceasefire from 9am until 3pm, Hamas did not at all.  They rejected it, and it's come out that part of this rejection is because they didn't get the full story from Egypt.  Who knows why.  End of story, we do not have a ceasefire, rockets are still flying, and we are back to the routine of war, i.e. summer camps are still closed, shopping centers are closing early, and a lot of people are not going to work at all.

Which reminds me of a story that I must share with you from last evening at work.  I've discussed this, I work at a large clothing store here in Be'er Sheva.  Dealing with Israeli customers requires a special kind of patience, and while I have learned a lot (my Hebrew has gotten spectacular!), I'm turning quite confrontational and assertive...in Hebrew.  So, what happened yesterday?  The fireworks had started (I thought there was a siren earlier in the evening when there wasn't, and I sent people to the bomb shelter...whoops), and another siren came to greet us.  I locked up everything I needed to and started for the shelter.  Then, I see three women just casually going about their shopping experience, trying on clothes in the fitting room.  I explain to them that there is a siren and that they need to come now.  How did they answer?  No, no, we'll just stay here and keep trying on clothes.  Seriously?  What did I tell you?  I answered, maybe you didn't understand but you can't stay here and you need to come now!  No, no, we're fineeeee.  Ladies, we don't have time for this...let's go NOW.  And very, very, veeeeeerrrrrrrryyyyyyy slowly, they sauntered to the bomb shelter.  In my LIFE, I've never seen such self-centered behavior.  Why in the world do I want to put my life in danger while you continue on your fun?  So, please, Israeli public, during this trying and dangerous time, LISTEN to instructions from those around you.  I fear for the next customer who does not listen to me...

So, where does that leave us?  That leaves us still in the middle of a confusing and scary conflict.  Sadly, Israeli had its first death due to rocket fire yesterday, a father who was bringing food and water to the soldiers stationed on the border with Gaza.  Rocket attacks are striking in houses and schools and in cities with more accuracy.  I'm not sure if this is accuracy or if after so many rockets, the statistical average increases the possibility of direct hits. 

We are all shaken.  I see that on people's faces.  I hear it in people's voices.  We're just not here.  My poor dog barks wildly at the rockets, thinking, I guess, that he can catch them or that he's protecting us from them.  Israel has even changed the sound of ambulance and police sirens to not resemble that of rocket sirens in order to not cause more panic in the public. 

What is going on here?  I'm feeling more incoherent by the minute, and unfortunately for me, I have three papers to write and a lot of business to wrap up before I fly to the States in a week and a half.  The stress of my father's upcoming surgery is weighing on me, as he is the most special man in this world, and I love him with every inch of my being.  I am such a lucky girl for having the parents that I do. 

This stress is compounded by the news that I got from my doctor yesterday.  I have been checking out my back because of extreme back pain recently (it's been on going for about three years), and I started physical therapy two weeks ago.  I also did a simple x-ray on Monday and the results show that because of trauma to a disc in my lower back, two vertebrae are bone to bone rubbing together.  I'm making an emergency appointment today with an orthopedic specialist in order to get a clear diagnosis and treatment plan.  Not fun.  And my doctor ordered me not to run, ride a bicycle, bend, jump, stand for a long period of time, lift things...etc. and etc.  That means not even running for a bomb shelter until I know what is going on, since after my running episodes last week, I was incapacitated by pain.  That adds a different aspect to my time outside, knowing that running is not an option.  I'm not looking forward to laying on the ground and covering my head.

Wow...a ton of rockets were just sent to Tel Aviv.  Wonder when our turn is today?  That's all for now.  I've got to try to write these papers!  Have a safe day, friends.