Why You (yes, you, that small town Jewish kid) Should Make Aliyah

Living in Israel has had quite an amazing affect on my life.  I'm healthier - not a regular smoker, exercising more frequently, and eating a lot better.  I'm happier - I've let go of a lot of pain, am in the process of healing, and have found my place in this world with the most beautiful adopted family by my side.  I'm more successful (even if less wealthy) - I've started my masters degree, I'm teaching English and dancing to kids, and I am totally self-sufficient without a cent of debt. 

But wait, where's the religious part?  You would think that moving to the "Holy Land" would push this aspect to the forefront of everything.  Many of you who know me remember that for the 5 to 6 years following up to making aliyah, I became quite traditional in my Jewishness.  I wore a lot of skirts and dresses.  I kept strict Kosher.  And for awhile, I kept Shabbat, not working/driving/cooking/etc./etc. from Friday night sundown to Saturday night sundown.  All the while, I felt like I was fulfilling some unwritten code of small town Jewry about keeping the customs and the religion alive.  It was my duty to stand apart and my duty to be different and my duty to keep these traditions in order to be Jewish.  And it worked for quite some time.  I suffered, and I struggled, and I wrestled with my beliefs and my feelings.  But all the while, something way down deep was not satisfied at all.

Coming to Israel, I thoroughly expected to deepen in my religiousness.  What I didn't expect was to deepen in my spirituality and my humanity while losing so much of the traditional chains that bound me so tightly (not just to Judaism, but that wound me up and suffocated me, as well).  Am I still Jewish?  Heck yes.  But it's a different form of Judaism.  It's the focus on family, it's the charity and the giving, it's the culture.  So, while I may not worry if a restaurant has a Kosher certificate or if there is cheese on my hamburger anymore, I've never felt more Jewish in my life.  Everyone has their own definitions of what it is to be Jewish, but for the first time in my life, I feel like I can be Jewish in the way that I need to be, not in the way that Judaism needs me to be. 

I was a little scared of coming back home and feeling as if I would get lost in the crowd because I'm not the traditional Jew I used to be.  In fact, it is quite the opposite.  I feel more self-secure and powerful than ever.  Being Jewish is so natural for me now, and I don't have to depend on stringent traditions to define me as a Jew. 

That's why I suggest that small town Jews make aliyah...to discover their Judaism instead of having Judaism dictate what it should be to them.  You may find that you strengthen your religious ties and that you're opened up to another, vaster world of Judaism, one where you don't fight to find Kosher food, where you don't have to beg to be off of work for Shabbat and Jewish holidays, and one where your religious connection sores.  You may have a similar experience to mine and become a completely different type of Jew.  Or you may have any number of amazing experiences along the spectrum.  But I'll tell you, when you come back to the States and you feel that difference between living in a Jewish country and functioning in a non-Jewish country, it'll definitely get you thinking differently about your Jewish life.  (It could be that Israel isn't for you, but just for the eye-opening experience of how Judaism works in your life, it's worth giving the Israeli life a try for a few years.)

So, in honor of the miracle of Channukah (a mere three days away!), I'll toast to the miracle of finding my Jewish self.  L'chaim!    

Will Home Ever Be Home Again?

I've been home for 4.5 days, and while I have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my parents and seeing/planning to see many dear friends, I am feeling extremely alienated here in my small hometown.  Running into people is fun, for sure, with the excited squeals of "WOW, you're back!" and "You look amazing!" (30 pounds down will do it).  And being here during Thanksgiving/Christmas time is also refreshing and exciting and something I don't get back in Israel.  But, it just doesn't feel right anymore.  Old scars pop back out.  The past is no longer the past.  And all that healing and growing you've so carefully cultivated seems to come undone just a little bit.

For instance, I saw someone yesterday who asked how married life was (she's about two years behind on the gossip).  I very bluntly told her that I was divorced and that it had been a really terrible situation.  She continued badgering me about life and how things are now, but I couldn't shake that dirty feeling of being reminded of that part of my history.  And from the looks of the other party-goers, they couldn't either.  The fake smiles laced with judgmental tendencies really tore away a little bit of my excitement of being here.

So, that brings me to my question - will home ever be home again?  I've had a hard time of saying, "I'm home," and have instead opted for, "I'm in Arkansas."  For me, Israel is my home now.  I feel 100% at ease there with the beautiful life I've built.  Free of judgement about the past (and that's even with all my near and dear ones knowing the past and loving and accepting me).   Free of stigma.  And complete honesty, warmth, love, and directness.  It is a rather sad notion feeling that your home will never be your home again, but there's also something welcoming about the fact that home can be where you make it and where you need it to be. 

I also have to keep the words of my ever-brilliant boyfriend and source of unconditional support in mind:  "I'd like you to travel home carrying not only my pride in your heart, but more importantly yours.  For making a home of a strange place, empowering friends, taking care of yourself, and having fun.  Feel proud!"  And I am.  I can hold my head up high and say that I have definitely chosen the right path for me.  And even if it is hard being away from Mom and Dad, I know that I've built the home that I needed to build and that it just keeps getting better.

Next up, why all small town Jews should make aliyah.  Interesting observations on the way...

 

So, It's Been a Year...Thoughts on My First Aliyahversary

Friends, today marks exactly one year of me being Israeli!  Happy Aliyah-versary to me!  (The word "aliyah" is a specific term for when a Jew immigrates to Israel...it also has other meanings connected to that, but just to keep you in the know.)

What a year it has been.  Let's do a quick recap so I can wrap my own head around it, how about?

October 2012 - arrived in Israel with dog in tow and my life shoved into four suitcases.  This was, of course, after spending a full day in Manhattan with 8 of my best friends who traveled from Arkansas, Boston, Princeton, Washington DC, and various parts of NYC to see me.  I also met my "Israeli family" on one of the most fun nights of my life.  Shout out to Artur, Meirav, Anat, Noam, and Ricky for loving and taking such good care of me.  <3

November 2012 - heard my first air raid siren the same day I was supposed to start my intensive Hebrew classes, therefore postponing the start of my classes.  Heard another air raid siren.  Met fun friends in Tel Aviv and then had to scramble back to Be'er Sheva to try and escape the impending war, only to be stuck outside for the beginning of the fireworks.  Survived said war with a fair amount of PTSD.  Danced on a bar...twice.  You know, to establish balance in my life.

December 2012 - celebrated a yummy Channukah...the first holiday I got to experience in Israel!  Went out A LOT, having a great time with my adopted family and learning the night life of B7.  Enjoyed the hell out of it all.

January 2013 - Cassie came to visit!  My first international visitor.  We tore up the sites...accidentally drove through the West Bank...and both got super sick.  Survived the worst winter in 50 years here...it rained so hard that my living room almost flooded!  Then, I voted in my first Israeli elections.  Very cool to have that experience basically right off the plane!

February 2013 - finished my intensive Hebrew classes, getting a perfect score on my oral exam and an insanely high score on my written exam...and then I just suddenly felt lost because, I didn't have any school anymore.

March 2013 - my first birthday here in Israel...Tals came to visit, and everyone made me feel extremely special and loved.  Started working at my first Israeli job...in Hebrew.  Was terrified, but hey, jumping in face first is sometimes the way to go.  Applied for grad school.

April 2013 - Passover happened, and I ate more than I ever have in my life.  Thank goodness I also started biking back in March, or I would be one large momma by now...also celebrated my first Israeli Independence Day, something I've been waiting to do for YEARS.  It lived up to expectations, for sure.  Also helped open H&M in B7, so that was rather thrilling and exciting to be a part of that whole process...in Hebrew.  Took an exam as the second step in the grad school application process.

May 2013 - Life continued, I started missing home a bit more, continued working, continued loving every minute of it all.

June 2013 - was traumatic.  Pepper, my adorable princess pug who was my strength and support for so long, got sick very suddenly and passed away.  My world was upside down, and I honestly didn't know how to cope with this loss.  I was very fortunate to have so many beautiful friends who wrapped around me and held me up through this difficult time.  Magically and rather suddenly got accepted to grad school, mid-application process.  Got offered a job teaching English in a fun summer program.  Reaffirmed that most Israeli guys are pieces of dirt...and I somehow kept a smile on during most of this confusing mess.  It was quite the month.

July 2013 - started teaching English lessons and even got my first private student!  Let the tide sweep me along with work and going out and having a great time, and BOOM!  I met my amazing, sweet, supportive, charming, handsome, thoughtful, intelligent, talented boyfriend.  Yeah, that was unexpected and totally swept me off my feet.  I'm not complaining...:)

August 2013 - got more private students.  Got really busy.  Work, teach, work, prep for school, somehow continue to take care of myself.  Lol, which I really didn't take care of myself...Yagel definitely made that happen.  Constantly reminded of how lucky I am. 

September 2013 - HOLIDAYS!  I got to experience the High Holidays here in Israel...and it was magical and fun and finally everything I have ever wanted.  Bought a ticket to go home and see my parents in November...because, you know, it's about time.  Ate more and more...went to the beach some...slipped deeper into exhaustion from so much work and play...

October 2013 - went to orientation for grad school (which starts NEXT WEEK)...started converting my American drivers' license to an Israeli one...bought concert tickets to Justin Timberlake AND a plane ticket to Amsterdam (going with the best group of people EVER)...am applying for my Israeli passport...and sitting here totally in shock at where my life has gone in the past year. 

One year ago today, I stepped off a plane in the desert, not knowing what to expect.  One year later, I can easily and happily say that I am at the best place in my life ever.  My amazing experiences keep continuing, and I keep growing and progressing.  Y'all, I can bank and study and work and survive in Hebrew!  I can take care of myself in a different country...my country.  It's such a cool thing to be Israeli and to explore the opportunities that I have been given.  And now, I have permission from myself to start writing my book, all about my first year as a young, independent, female moving her entire life to Israel...and how everything just keeps getting better.  As if I'm not busy enough.  ;P  Or, for Artur, in honor of Pepper...P;  Sending much love and gratitude to you all.  Here's to the start of another AMAZING year!

Reader's Choice

Hello, my dear readership.  I hope you're all well.  We're still hanging in there, starting off our new week here in Israel (remember, our week starts on Sunday, with the weekend being Friday and Saturday due to the Jewish Sabbath falling on Saturday).  I should be getting ready for my hectic, pre-Rosh Hashanah work week, but instead, I'm reaching out to y'all.  I really want to write a post answering questions you may have about my life here.  From food and romance to language and culture.  Anything goes!  So, either comment on this post with your question or email it to me at turner.megane@gmail.com.  I look forward to hearing from you very soon!  Lots of love, Megan

What I Have in My House (in Israel) that You Don't...

No doubt that life here is much different than life in America.  And no doubt that I'm loving every minute of it.  Even the hard and the scary times because, well, this is my home.  With the imminent US strike on Syria, you can definitely feel the buzz of running to get prepared for whatever may come in air, and it really got me to thinking about what I have in my house now that I would NEVER have in my house back home in Arkansas.  So, here's a humorous yet realistic rundown of my phat, war-prepped pad in the B7.

Exhibit A:  Milk in a bag.  I've been obsessed with this odd commodity since the first time I lived here in 2006.  I like milk in a bag.  Hell, I love milk in a bag, and it's cheaper than milk in a carton.  Boo to the yeah.  If whatever impending doom is anything like last time, however, it'll take me an hour to make a cup of coffee and use this heavenly liquid between trips to the bomb shelter.

Exhibit B:  Gas mask in a box.  Including my very own Epipen in the event that I inhale any noxious chemical/biological warfare fumes (update - this is NOT included in my kit...read that in the news not too long ago...eep!).  It's even got a nifty, thick plastic strap which I assume is a sign that it was designed to be carried around like a purse for those of us who might be more panicked than others.  I felt super uneasy having this under my bed the first few nights it lived there, but now it's just another thing that collects dirt, dust, and sand.  I'm REALLY hoping I don't have to figure out how to strap on a gas mask in the coming days.

Exhibit C:  My bedroom, the bomb shelter.  You can see my reinforced door and the metal sheet over my window.  Definitely not something I thought I would ever use (oh, to be naive once again!), but something I am ever thankful for having.  It is a bit frustrating that the walls are super thick slabs of concrete and are therefore really troublesome for hanging pictures and whatnot and that the only place I get internet on the computer is right by the door, but those are small prices to pay for this safety commodity.  I did recently find myself joking to a friend, "If you need a mamad (bomb shelter), you know where the party's at!"  After I said it, I felt really weird even having joked about it.  All part of the process of becoming Israeli.

Exhibit D:  Just a portion of the package of toilet paper I am required to buy here in Israel.  They don't sell packages with less than 478014 rolls, and you are therefore stocked for about a year at at time.  In all seriousness, the standard pack comes with about 50 rolls and comes up to my waist.  Remember, I don't have a car, so I either bike or walk to the grocery store and must lug this thing home.  I can use the pack kind of like a cane, and I always feel overwhelmed when it's all stacked up in my bathroom.  Remember, again, that I live in a small place with not a lot of storage, which makes the volume even more overwhelming for me.  Good thing I'm stocked up in case I accidentally shit my pants from the stress of this looming attack...

Exhibit E:  A fairly typical news headline for me.  Stay calm, folks.  Ain't nothin' to worry about here!  Everyone needs to get their gas mask, but don't panic (I got mine back in January, so I've been prepared).  Hospitals need to take emergency precautions, but don't panic.  Soldiers in the North aren't allowed to go home for the weekend and reserve soldiers have been called up, but don't panic.  The government has moved Iron Dome missile defense system to quite a few locations in the north/center and even Patriot missile systems, but don't panic.  In all fairness, I'm not panicked, but I am on edge.  You can feel that buzz in the air which is really oddly juxtaposed to the festive atmosphere of the upcoming Jewish New Year.  People are buying up a ton of food for the long holiday and the lavish meals and swinging by the post office to pick up their gas masks and picking up a few other emergency items along the way.  But, you know, we do just keep going, and we stick together, and we do it with our heads held high.  Friggin' proud to be Israeli, fo sho.

Exhibit F:  Ahhhhhh, and one of my favorite things, I have this view.  My beautiful desert garden with cacti and a hammock and birds and colorful flowers.  I have a window that happily looks out on it all with my proud Israeli flag (which I bought in 2005 and have subsequently dragged to every place I've ever lived since).  These beautiful things, among others, make living here so worth it. 

I hope you've enjoyed your little tour of my domicile.  Yes, I have a gas mask under my bed, and I sleep in a bomb shelter, but I also live in one of the most lively, dynamic, progressive places in the world.  I wouldn't change it for anything.  I should, however, go clean my house and finish stocking up on food in the event that I do have guests in the bomb shelter...a true possibility.  Sending everyone wishes of rest, fun, and most importantly, peace and quiet, on this Shabbat.

What's Next?

That's a fairly profound question but one that I have been asking myself a lot lately.  So much has changed recently, and I have these huge question marks floating around in my head.  There's nothing much to complain about, but the uncertainty is startling.

Exciting news is that I got accepted to Ben Gurion University's Masters of Social Work program which starts in October.  Scary part of that is...well, there's a lot.  First of all, all the classes are in Hebrew (with the exception of a few taught by the department head who is American and who refuses to teach in Hebrew...I'll be signing up for A LOT of his courses!).  I realize that I'll manage.  Hell, I've managed for this long, and I've not only survived, I've prospered.  Yes, I shock myself daily with my abilities in a foreign language, but I also get frustrated daily when I get tongue tied and can't fully express myself.  You really feel stupid, for lack of a better way to describe it, when you're first mastering a new language.  You firstly start to lose your superior grasp of your mother tongue, forgetting common words that you just haven't used in awhile, and you secondly don't have enough traction in the new language to fully show who you are and display your level of intelligence.  It is frustrating and humbling for someone like myself who has always been a "talker" and a "communicator."  Which in its own way probably means that I'll be fine and that I just need to give myself time.

Second scary issue tied to uni is that of money.  I'm very fortunate that the State of Israel will be paying for the vast majority of my degree program as part of my new immigrant benefits.  However, this is a "retraining" program, meaning that I have to take a semester or two of bachelors level classes to complete my BA in Social Work.  Two degrees for one?  I'll take that.  But that also means that the government won't pay for all of this first year.  Also, even when they do pay for it, I have to pay for everything upfront and they reimburse me a couple of months later.  What does that mean?  I have to apply for student loans (in Hebrew), I have to find scholarships (in Hebrew), and I have to figure out how to balance a work schedule that will both allow me to study and allow me to eat and have a place to live.  This is such a different situation from where I was a year ago.  And I get that there are challenges in the beginning of any new adventure, but different money in a different language is super unsettling.  Oh well, that's what the rest of my day is devoted to - figuring out finances for the next year and trying not to cry from the stress.

I have also started teaching English lessons.  Through the great power of Israeli networking, I was introduced to someone from the Ministry of Education who has hired me as a teacher for summer school programs and who has also given me the opportunity to teach English private lessons.  This is a huge breath of fresh air, as it's much more in line with what I want to be doing, and it's a much better use of my professional skills than selling clothes.  I'm loving it, even if I did make a little brat cry last week in my class and even if it feels a little up in the air at this point as to what will happen once the school year starts.

All of this uncertainty and all of these question marks are directly impacting the thing that I want to do most at this point, which is visit home.  I'm dying to be in Arkansas with my mom and dad and to see friends and to eat food that I miss and to be in my childhood home.  At this point, I can only stay positive and hope that I can fly home at the end of September before classes start.  Hell, I may just do it on a whim, like an Israeli, and figure out the consequences later.  Which is probably what will happen.

And for now?  It's off to the bank for a fun round of Israeli bureaucracy.  I think I'll need a strong drink tonight, even though it is the "saddest day of the Jewish calendar" as we remember the destruction of the two Temples in Jerusalem. I mourn by drinking, as I have shown myself and the rest of the world this past month and a half.  So, cheers to all, and get ready for our next post, all about the absurdities of working retail in Israel. 

This is That Post I've Been Dreading to Write

It's been a hot minute since y'all have heard from me in this venue, and I've been dreading this post.  It's obvious that even when you're living the dream, there will be trying times, and the last two months have been the most trying thus far.  I'm tempted to say in my entire life. 

As most of you know, my dear, sweet, precious Princess Pepper died at the beginning of June.  It was very sudden, and her kidneys just gave out due to old age.  I was very lucky to spend an intimate last day with her, and I was even right next to her when she left me.  I'm weeping now, and the post has barely begun.  I can't describe the pain of losing my best friend, my security blanket, my source of unconditional love.  She is still with me, I feel, but it is so weird and hard to be in my house without her.  I still turn and look for her from time to time.

The first days after her death were the worst.  I couldn't stay at home because of the silence.  I missed hearing her little feet on the tile floor and her heavy pug breathing.  I missed that face looking for me when I came home.  I missed that warm body next to me at night.  I'm still having a hard time sleeping without her, but things get a little easier each day.

This enormous personal tragedy really magnified for me the fact that I'm in a totally different world.  It really shook me to realize that I am here alone alone now.  I could always answer people with, "I'm not alone - I have my dog!"  But now?  I can't say that.  My strongest connection to home was suddenly not with me, and I felt like I was floating out in space without any way to tangibly feel home.  It's a scary feeling, but it's gradually becoming liberating in a way.  It doesn't make things any easier, but now, I'm standing on my own two feet, completely by my own will.  My only choice is to keep going and, as we say in Hebrew, to keep "doing/making life."

But, I totally learned that I'm anything but alone here.  My friends here wrapped around me like family and showed me endless love and care.  They came to hold me while I cried, they fed me, they got me out of the house.  They called, they wrote.  They did anything they could to support me, and I was showered in hugs and kisses.  I knew these people here were special, but I didn't realize how much.  The outpouring of love from people back home and around the world via Facebook-land also touched my heart.  I didn't realize how many people knew of and loved Pepper.  I'm a lucky, lucky human being, that's for sure.

And here I am now, embarking on a new adventure, without my partner in crime physically next to me.  Her memory and her impact on my life will always be apparent, however.  How can it not be?  I'm blown away daily at how much a small, fat ball of fur changed my life forever.  I'm also a little scared about introducing new people into my life because they won't feel the magic of Pepper.  I hope I can bring her spirit and her character into me so that others can somehow understand just how special she was to me.  I also hope that everyone can be as lucky as me and can experience this type of beautiful love that exists between a girl and her dog.

Much more to update on, and now that the hard part's over, maybe I can write more frequently.  Love to you all.