Will Home Ever Be Home Again?

I've been home for 4.5 days, and while I have thoroughly enjoyed spending time with my parents and seeing/planning to see many dear friends, I am feeling extremely alienated here in my small hometown.  Running into people is fun, for sure, with the excited squeals of "WOW, you're back!" and "You look amazing!" (30 pounds down will do it).  And being here during Thanksgiving/Christmas time is also refreshing and exciting and something I don't get back in Israel.  But, it just doesn't feel right anymore.  Old scars pop back out.  The past is no longer the past.  And all that healing and growing you've so carefully cultivated seems to come undone just a little bit.

For instance, I saw someone yesterday who asked how married life was (she's about two years behind on the gossip).  I very bluntly told her that I was divorced and that it had been a really terrible situation.  She continued badgering me about life and how things are now, but I couldn't shake that dirty feeling of being reminded of that part of my history.  And from the looks of the other party-goers, they couldn't either.  The fake smiles laced with judgmental tendencies really tore away a little bit of my excitement of being here.

So, that brings me to my question - will home ever be home again?  I've had a hard time of saying, "I'm home," and have instead opted for, "I'm in Arkansas."  For me, Israel is my home now.  I feel 100% at ease there with the beautiful life I've built.  Free of judgement about the past (and that's even with all my near and dear ones knowing the past and loving and accepting me).   Free of stigma.  And complete honesty, warmth, love, and directness.  It is a rather sad notion feeling that your home will never be your home again, but there's also something welcoming about the fact that home can be where you make it and where you need it to be. 

I also have to keep the words of my ever-brilliant boyfriend and source of unconditional support in mind:  "I'd like you to travel home carrying not only my pride in your heart, but more importantly yours.  For making a home of a strange place, empowering friends, taking care of yourself, and having fun.  Feel proud!"  And I am.  I can hold my head up high and say that I have definitely chosen the right path for me.  And even if it is hard being away from Mom and Dad, I know that I've built the home that I needed to build and that it just keeps getting better.

Next up, why all small town Jews should make aliyah.  Interesting observations on the way...