Tonight finds me on another eve of war and another post writing about feelings, thoughts, reactions, etc. I'm sure it's also interesting/fascinating/scary for y'all to read, and I hope that none of you will be in a situation such as this. With that being said, let me quickly recap what is going on.
On June 12, three Israeli teens were kidnapped in the West Bank as they were hitchhiking home from school. The kidnappers, still at large, were Palestinians affiliated with Hamas. The search for the three teens went on for almost three weeks and ended, very sadly, in the discovery of their bodies in a field north of Hebron. It's a horribly tragic story that I'm not going to get into here. Any of you are welcome to email me if you're really interested in some further reading or discussion: turner.megane@gmail.com.
After this, a group of Jewish extremists, according to the arrest reports and confessions from the group, kidnapped a Palestinian teen and burned him alive. I'm at a loss for words and don't even know how to continue typing this post. I'm am horrified and sickened and angered by this. This heinous and cowardly act devastated a family and arguably set off a very nasty escalation that has me hypervigilant and with flashbacks of traumas past. Riots are ongoing around the country and rocket attacks are frequent and terrifying (that is, in many parts of the South...in Be'er Sheva, we've had two different rounds of rockets so far as opposed to 60 rockets that fell in less than an hour all around Southern Israel about three hours ago). A rather significant and nasty riot happened last night outside of the small Be'er Sheva suburb that I'm calling my safe haven for this go-round. Bedouins protested and rioted in the street at the entrance to the city, throwing Molotov cocktails and rocks at cars. People were hurt and property badly damaged. A friend of mine was traveling back along this route and called the police to ask if it was safe to pass through. Their response - do a U-turn and go back because we have lost all control there.
What. Is. Going. On?!?!?
And, of course, those powerful and chilling air raid sirens are becoming a frequent part of our lives again. Saturday evening, after reports of rockets gradually getting deeper into Israel and closer to Be'er Sheva, it was show time. We heard the sirens and quickly got into the safe room (I'm with my boyfriend's family). Someone told me that the second time you go through it, it's easier. I'm not so sure, because I have found myself shaking and crying and tensed ever since. You wait and wait for that siren (I've been waiting for a year a half, always monitoring, always looking, always thinking about where to run...gotta love trauma), and then your fears are confirmed with a piercing, gut-wrenching wail. I was at home today between a physical therapy appointment and teaching a dance lesson when I got caught off guard. I almost broke the dog's neck as I yanked him through our front door and down the stairwell. We don't have a safe room in this new apartment, so down a few flights of stairs has to do. I have been on edge ever sense. Afterwards, I had to drive to my various lessons (which, by the way, I passed my Israeli drivers' test and now have my Israeli license), and I was confronted with the thought - what do I do if there's a siren while I'm driving? Yes, we're told to pull over, exit the car, try to find shelter, and if not, lay on the ground and cover your head. Great, but how do I execute this with all the batshit crazy Israeli drivers? What if there's no room to pull over? I have to remember to lock the doors, since a lot of cars got stolen last war...and all while figuring out where I could run to at every turn. At one point, I got so tired of these racing thoughts, I just shut my brain off and drove. That is the most "Israeli" moment I have probably ever had. Just letting it all go. Can I change it? No. Can I live my life in a small concrete bomb shelter? No. I can, however, go about my daily life while be smart and safe. And that, in and of itself, is scary for me.
With all of that said, I'm trying not to look at the news as much, as per advice of a dear friend and veteran Israeli immigrant from America, because why do I need to mess myself up anymore psychologically? But I also can't shake the texts and emails and phone calls from America. I know everyone is worried sick and is only getting news of the big picture while I'm just in a little sliver. And I can't help but feeling so naked, so bare after these attacks. After the attacks on the three Israeli teens. On the Palestinian teen. The riots. The rockets. I'm left feeling so empty and so confused about how to reconcile all these thoughts with the reality that I have in my head of my adopted home. I suppose this is part of the reality, but perhaps, it is a part I am not yet ready to accept.
More to say and more to update, but I've got to try and get some sleep before the madness truly begins. Wishing all those in this area of the world quiet and calm. Love and peace to everyone involved, not just to my fellow Israelis.
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