It's been a hot minute since y'all have heard from me in this venue, and I've been dreading this post. It's obvious that even when you're living the dream, there will be trying times, and the last two months have been the most trying thus far. I'm tempted to say in my entire life.
As most of you know, my dear, sweet, precious Princess Pepper died at the beginning of June. It was very sudden, and her kidneys just gave out due to old age. I was very lucky to spend an intimate last day with her, and I was even right next to her when she left me. I'm weeping now, and the post has barely begun. I can't describe the pain of losing my best friend, my security blanket, my source of unconditional love. She is still with me, I feel, but it is so weird and hard to be in my house without her. I still turn and look for her from time to time.
The first days after her death were the worst. I couldn't stay at home because of the silence. I missed hearing her little feet on the tile floor and her heavy pug breathing. I missed that face looking for me when I came home. I missed that warm body next to me at night. I'm still having a hard time sleeping without her, but things get a little easier each day.
This enormous personal tragedy really magnified for me the fact that I'm in a totally different world. It really shook me to realize that I am here alone alone now. I could always answer people with, "I'm not alone - I have my dog!" But now? I can't say that. My strongest connection to home was suddenly not with me, and I felt like I was floating out in space without any way to tangibly feel home. It's a scary feeling, but it's gradually becoming liberating in a way. It doesn't make things any easier, but now, I'm standing on my own two feet, completely by my own will. My only choice is to keep going and, as we say in Hebrew, to keep "doing/making life."
But, I totally learned that I'm anything but alone here. My friends here wrapped around me like family and showed me endless love and care. They came to hold me while I cried, they fed me, they got me out of the house. They called, they wrote. They did anything they could to support me, and I was showered in hugs and kisses. I knew these people here were special, but I didn't realize how much. The outpouring of love from people back home and around the world via Facebook-land also touched my heart. I didn't realize how many people knew of and loved Pepper. I'm a lucky, lucky human being, that's for sure.
And here I am now, embarking on a new adventure, without my partner in crime physically next to me. Her memory and her impact on my life will always be apparent, however. How can it not be? I'm blown away daily at how much a small, fat ball of fur changed my life forever. I'm also a little scared about introducing new people into my life because they won't feel the magic of Pepper. I hope I can bring her spirit and her character into me so that others can somehow understand just how special she was to me. I also hope that everyone can be as lucky as me and can experience this type of beautiful love that exists between a girl and her dog.
Much more to update on, and now that the hard part's over, maybe I can write more frequently. Love to you all.
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