So, I'm in therapy. It should probably come as no surprise, given what I have gone through over the past...29 years. But it is especially poignant to jump into treatment for the first time after the death of my dear father and in the middle of my Master's degree in clinical social work. It certainly is a necessary adventure to take, and I'm happy to share some of it here with you all. I can't and won't share it all here, only that which I'm comfortable enough to open up about publicly. Hell, I'd open up to just about anyone, but as you will see, I'm working on boundaries, and now, I'm setting one for myself.
My history with therapy is quite long, although I am very used to and comfortable sitting on the "other" side of the treatment room. I even told my therapist when we started, "I'm much more comfortable sitting where you're sitting now, so this is going to be a challenge for me." He grinned, and I was unsure of what to think about him, about the place, about what I was doing. I was not a skeptic about the benefits of therapy. I was skeptical about my ability to dig deep and work on myself, to be challenged, and if I even trusted this guy to facilitate this adventure. Let me tell you, though, I have landed in a very caring, loving place with a beautiful therapeutic dynamic that is already helping. Did I mention that all of this is happening in Hebrew? I'm pushing all boundaries of my comfort, but you know? It's good. It's beautiful. And it's making me even stronger. I think a #wadestrong is appropriate here.
I'm working very hard on setting appropriate boundaries for myself and learning when to say no. For so long, I have been hell-bent on pleasing everyone...except for myself. I've done anything and everything to make others happy, and there are some in my life who deeply deserve this selflessness (here's looking at you, Yagel!), but there are a lot of others along the way who haven't deserved it, and who have abused it. It is a powerful thing to learn how to say "no" basically for the first time. It literally lifts weight off of your chest - you feel freer. It's such a simple and such a smart thing that I have to ask why I didn't do it earlier. But, if we're going there, I can also ask why did I stay in an abusive relationship for four years too long, why are my neighbors' kids assholes, and why on earth is s/he wearing that? My point is, it's a question that won't get me vary far, as it's not something I can change. Israelis love saying this phrase, and it's appropriate here, "What was was was was." (And I have to teach this language?!)
With this inability to say no and to know my boundaries, I have also deeply wounded my self-worth. Ninety percent of the time, I can tell you just how much of a badass I am. That other ten percent that catches me off guard and finds me at my lowest, however, is painful. Very painful. And it's usually influenced by the actions, behavior, and words of others. Why I have given people that power, again is a question from that list of "Best not to ask..." The main thing is that I'm working on it. And fuck, it's hard. But now that I'm aware of it, I am much more in control of me, Megan, the one that matters in this equation.
All of this is greatly affecting the therapy which I am giving. I've fallen into the most amazing place of internship, a center that works with the families of those struggling with a mental illness. I'm blessed with a supervisor who believes in me, pushes me, and loves me enough to help me build myself as a pretty great therapist. Hell, she's the one who told me to get my tail to therapy. I couldn't be luckier or more grateful.
Let's add to that that I am taking a class on art therapy that has a practical component - second year Master's students of art therapy must lead the students in art therapy sessions. And damn, am I bringing it! Opening up, sharing, laying myself out through different art mediums. It's as if someone just knew that I needed this experience of being the client and not the therapist, because I'm getting it from so many different sources. And you know what? It's invaluable. It's invaluable to me on a personal level. It's invaluable to me on a professional, social, cultural, religious, relationship level. It's simply invaluable. I'm just a thankful human being. I've been given many truly spectacular opportunities...and I've given myself many spectacular opportunities.
Just this week, I was able to hold my head high during a conversation with someone, saying, "You know what, I am a good therapist." And this wasn't to one of my close friends - they already know. It was something that I would typically think sounded so snobby and arrogant. But it didn't. It was real. And it was amazing to hear it escape from my mouth, full-volume, maximum confidence. I hope that any of you who find yourself on a similar journey find the strength to continue forward with it. Reach out. Get help. Share of yourself with someone in a constructive, safe way. And reap the benefits.
All my love,
Megan
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